Dances with Demons

…So this once per week posting is working out well...

If I were a superhero, I would be suPeROCRASTINATOR (get it?). I would be graced with good intentions, the extraordinary ability to arrive on seen just AFTER an emergency, and fly around in the buff because—let’s be honest—I just didn’t get around to making a super sweet costume.

I’ve decided that I need to get away from behemoth postings. I am sure they are hard to get through in a single read, as they are definitely hard to write in a single shot. It’s just that I usually have so much to say! But then my superpowers kick in—I procrastinate writing because I don’t know where to start and/or don’t have the energy to get it all out; then I finally get my rear in gear and bust out a prolific, cacophonic “Ode to My Gymshorts;” then I get exhausted from writing and go into hibernation for weeks.

So I’m going to try something different, and hopefully refreshing and more sustainable—brevity.

Here’s some stuff about my week.

Diet: Did you hear about the attack in Boston last weekend? It was horrible! This Hunger Lion arrived in the city Friday night and, for two whole days, gobbled up every carb in sight without even the slightest bit of remorse or moderation. But don’t you worry, justice prevails! The lion got what was coming to it—one hell of a stomach ache, paired with enough intestinal blockage that not even the strongest of fiber fusillades could weaken its front.

This was me during the attack. And yes, that is a piece of spaghetti. How fitting.

This is me after.

…But I did have a fun weekend! My weight, physical comfort, and morale definitely took a hit, though, and I’m still battling off the consequences my poor decisions. Though I deserved it, this regression is kind of killing my buzz.

Metrics Progress: Due to last weekend’s attack, I was too busy sucking down every crumb in sight to step on a scale to get my readings. Procrastination much? Avoidance much? By the time I remembered, I was too afraid of the damage I did to face up. In all honestly, this has actually bummed me out for most of this week. It’s the first time I missed a data entry since starting this project, and it’s making me feel like I am losing my drive. Mistakes happen, but I don’t like feeling like I slipped up. So, I’ll be logging my numbers tonight, and getting back to you—assuming I am not performing the 5-year-old theatre classic, “If you need me, I’ll be hiding in the corner pretending I didn’t just do a bad thing.” It’s coming to Broadway this summer.

Workouts & Triathlon Training: It’s been a Murder-Mart at the gym this week. I got a new card this past Friday (pre-lion attack…maybe they are correlated) which is absolutely lethal. It is a high cardio-intensity routine that is heavy on upper body and abdominal strength, as I will target most of my lower body through my cycling training. I’m telling you, I have never been this sore. Among other exercises, I do a total of 58 freaking IMPOSSIBLE tricep dips, 60 pushups, 90 variants of lateral raises, 96 pull-ups of alternating form, and 185 squats. I didn’t even know some of my muscles existed until I woke up the following morning hating my life and wishing for death basking in the results of my hard work.

My cycling training is also going well. My cadence and strength is increasing, which means I am able to hit mileage goals in a faster amount of time. Through my increased time on a bike, I have learned that:

1. I LOVE STANDING CLIMBS.  The full-body power and explosiveness I get to exert, combined with the (probably gross to everyone else) sweat that drips off my face, makes me feel like a cycling rock star. Now I just need some groupies…
2. I HATE SEATED CLIMBS. They make me feel like my legs are going to fall off. It burns, I get saddle soreness, and I usually just feel like crying at the end of a long interval. Less rock star-like.
3. Wear longer shorts when cycling. Chaffing hurts and makes you look like you got sunburned in a really awkward area.
4. You shouldn’t overtly stare at other gym-goers while cycling, no matter how bored you are with the scenery. It creeps them out.  Instead, be stealthy and stalker-like.

Once the weather gets a little more spring-like and less pre-apocalyptic, I am looking forward to taking my real bike out of the basement and hitting the pavement. I’m still nervous for the climbs of an actual course, and I think I will feel better once I am actually outside, mobile, and attacking real hills instead of resistance-based, simulated ones. I have also been advised to take a cycling class at the gym to help build with my conditioning and also to have a little rock star fun listening to some good jams whilst pedaling away. The only problem is that, with my work schedule, the only classes I can go to are at 5:45am—thanks a lot adult obligations. Sacrifices, sacrifices.

Other stuff:

• In and among the lion attack, I got my sister hooked on Stitchfix AND Pinterest. Operation: Horrible Influence has commenced.
• I have had a very medical past two weeks:
• I got baseline blood work. I learned I was deficient in Folate and B-12. Maybe this is the reason for my constant exhaustion and peach-like bruising? So I started taking supplements in each, along with a multivitamin. I don’t really feel much difference, though I am holding on to hope that one morning I will wake up and feel like a superhuman version of myself.
• I got an echocardiogram for the first time to help determine why I pass out so much. They didn’t call me back yet with any results. I have decided that this is conclusive evidence that a) I am a robot, after all; or b) this is a certain sign of doom.
• After the brutal introduction to my new card last Friday, I got a tetanus shot. I think I am masochistic to put myself in such situations.
• Le boyfriend and I are headed down to Jersey for Passover with his family tomorrow. I am very excited for family time and delicious ‘noms. However, given the density of matzo, I am also very nervous to see how my intestinal track and scale will respond.
• Consequently, when we get back, I am starting a detox cleanse. It’s not one of those “eat only grapefruit and cayenne pepper only when the sun is at a 45 degree angle in the sky and the wind is blowing north by northwest” kind of cleanses. You eat normally, but take organic, herbal supplements to help clean out your liver, kidneys, and intestines. My trainer originally recommended it to me as a way to help regulate my digestive system. This will be my 5th time doing it. I can’t lie—I am greatly looking forward to feeling more balanced after what will be three weeks of largely misbehaving. This will commence on Tuesday, and I will most likely rave about it in my next post. You have been warned.

That’s it for me, my peoples! Hope you all have great weekends, and happy Passovers if you are celebrating!